I just signed Tayah up for a dance class last week and she is SO excited! I must admit that I am too and actually couldn't wait to go and get her dance attire. We went this afternoon and picked most everything up, I had no idea the expense! But to be totally honest I really didn't care, it's my baby's first class of any kind and I was ready to spoil her. So we picked up the bodysuit, tights and ballet slippers and we left the skirt for another day. She looks adorable if you ask me and we are both so excited for her to start her class. I hope she loves it but if not, that's okay. We'll try something else next year. I am quite curious as to what's going to be her passion. For now it dance that we are pursuing, partly because this mommy thinks the little outfits are so darn cute!

Wallowing

I am not very consistent at blogging, this is quite obvious and I am very ok with this. It serves it's purpose when necessary and today it is necessary. I am exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I feel done. I hate being in this place. That place where life seems totally and completely overwhelming. Lately I have been staying up as late as I possibly can in an effort to avoid tomorrow. I know that may not make sense to most but in my mind, once my head hits the pillow I am preparing for another day and lately I just have not been wanting another day to come. I am in no way saying I want life to end but rather just to pause. I wish I could suspend a moment in time for as long as I needed to feel refreshed, re energized and renewed, maybe even changed. I also wish life had a fast forward button at times, part of me would love to skip ahead a day or two. I just get so tired of fighting, hanging on, hoping for better. I know that much would be lost at skipping through tough times and bad days, that this is when character is built and we grow stronger. I also know that this is just a moment in time and in a few days I will likely being feeling better and ready to embrace life and all that it throws at me but right now I feel the need to wallow. If you're annoyed, that's okay. I probably would be too if it were not my own blog. There is nothing worse than listening to a person drown in self pity, so you have my blessing to stop reading if you'd like, I will not be offended. Actually I will never know.
This is a particularly tough time of year for me. It's summer, going into fall and Jason always puts in crazy hours this time of year. I struggled with it when we were dating, disliked it when we were just married, hated it when we were new parents and I despise it now that we have 2 kids. I hate doing this alone, being the only parent physically present in my children's lives. I didn't think it would be so tough. I had always thought I'd have a house full of kids, I dreamed of having a large family. I am beginning to think that maybe the smartest decision for us would be to stop at two. That makes me so sad, I don't want to let go of that dream but I don't want to be selfish. I want to be a great mom to the 2 beautiful children I have and I don't know that I could do that by adding anymore babies. I don't feel like I am a great mom now, I feel spread out so thinly. I can't get a handle on anything, my house is a mess, the yard is overgrown, I fear taking the children out in public and yet hate staying at home, I'm avoiding my husband when he's home and my daughter attacks other children with her teeth(yes, we just had another incident). I feel like a failure. My confidence has left for the time being. I feel insignificant and stupid. I feel ashamed. I am feeling stuck again, like I don't have a lot of power over my future and that terrifies me. It makes me want to run. But I won't. Not now. I wonder if I ever will? Will I reach that point when I give up on what could be? I hope not, I also hope that 'what could be' will come soon.

Spicy Cayenne

I really wish I could find my camera so I could show the world my fabulous kitchen. Finally, after months of talking about painting and renovating and finishing the basement, it has begun. Jason finished building our monstrosity of a garage on Tuesday. For those of you who have not seen the garage, it is HUGE! I like to refer to it as the barn, a neighbor asked Jason if he was building it for his mother-in-law to live in and the other day at lunch Tayah looked out the window and asked me, "mommy is that the garage or is that Costco?" It is ridiculously large if you ask me but, my husband is happy so I guess I'll let it go (it's taken me awhile to let go!). Anyways, once the garage was done, the task of going through the basement was upon us. What a job! Donna, you would be so proud of me. I sorted and boxed and purged and organized into the wee hours of Thursday morning and then again most of the day on Friday and it is done. Everything came up and into the barn - I mean garage :) and today Jason, my dad and Aubrey are busy working on drywalling the basement. Tomorrow my Grandpa will help with the taping which will take 3 days or so and then the fun stuff! I am in the process of making a final decision on paint colors and Tuesday I get to pick out flooring - I am one happy girl! I had picked my color (spicy cayenne) for the kitchen months ago and last night I watched it go from the little swatch I had been carrying around to up on the walls and it is gorgeous (that's gorgeous with a Brooklyn accent). It still needs another coat but I love it. Funny that deciding on the red was so easy but it's the tan that I am having such a hard time with. Seriously, is it really necessary to have a million and two shades or slight variations of one color? How is a girl to decide?! At the rate I am going the rest of the kitchen wall will look like a patch work quilt of all the different shades of tan out there!
Hopefully the camera will reappear soon, I'd also like to post some pics of Christmas. We had a great time with the kids this year and our families.
Well, that's enough slacking off for one day, back to work I must go.

People need dreams;

there's as much nourishment in 'em as food.

- Dorothy Gilman

Love that, it's just so true.

ONE

Tomorrow my baby will be one! The last year has just flown by, it's amazing to see how much changes in the course of 1 year.

Girl's Night Out

Tayah and I had great fun tonight. We headed out to Starbucks around 7:30 this evening to have a night out. She was just as excited to get out of the house as I was, we both had 2 very long days cooped up inside. We ordered our hot chocolates and rice krispie square and waited impatiently for our drinks to be made. Once our order was called I went over to claim one of the few available tables left. I then heard Tayah call out "No mommy, this table." As I turned my heart filled with pride. Tayah had somehow managed to secure the coveted seating at Starbucks, that's right, she managed to score us the comfy oversized chairs in front of the fireplace - that's my girl! She scooted up into one of the chairs and I plopped down in the other. We both sipped our drinks and every 30 seconds, between mouthfuls, Tayah would offer me bites of her "krispie" square. After about 10 minutes, Tayah grew restless and so we gathered our things and headed off to the kids department in Chapters. She had a great time looking at books and wandering around. We picked out a couple Christmas books and headed off to Safeway to pick up a few groceries. There, she was very helpful, handing me the things on my list as well as a few extras. The best part of the night was when we arrived back home, Tayah was in her jammies, a sippy cup of milk in hand. She climbed up next to me on the couch, cuddled in and in between sips of her milk said to me, "Mommy, I have lots of fun tonight."and then planted a sweet little kiss on my cheek. The whole night was filled with sweetness, I hope we'll have many more of these mother/daughter nights and that she will continue to be just as excited about them as I am.
Sweet dreams my Tayah bear, mommy loves you so much.

New Crayons

We were at a birthday party on Friday night and in Tayah's treat bag was a big box of bright new crayons. I used to love getting new crayons when I was a kid. It was so exciting to replace the broken, dulled and paper torn crayons with new, bright and pointy tipped ones. I remember spending hours organizing my crayons by color in their new box (somehow the way they came never seemed to make sense to me). It was very exciting when the boxes started coming with a built in sharpener, it was such fun to peel the paper and sharpen away regardless of whether or not the crayons needed it. The best was pulling out all the supplies, spreading yourself out on the kitchen floor and letting your imagination take you away into the colorful land of my little pony, strawberry shortcake or cabbage patch kids. It's so fun to watch Tayah now enjoying those same experiences.