I sometimes find it very difficult to blog. I've always had a harder time expressing how I'm feeling or making the words that come out of my mouth make sense to anyone other myself. The past couple of months have been very busy and there were many days that I was left overwhelmed or completely exhausted. The thought of compiling my thoughts and emotions into words and sentences was more than my tired little head could handle. The last few months felt as though I was on auto pilot, just going through the motions that were required to get through one more day. I don't' know exactly what happened or when it happened. I don't think it was any one thing but more a combination of things. But that last few weeks I have felt alive again.
Maybe it's because Jason and I are getting along so much better, we enjoy being in each others space. That's not to say that we don't still annoy each other at times or have our disagreements but we have been able to talk things out and fix things before they snowball out of control. The other week he said to me that he felt like we were dating again, and that he couldn't wait to get home to see the kids and I. That made my heart so full, I felt like it could burst. He has been kinder, more supportive and involved these past weeks and it is really an answer to prayer. This time of year is so hard for him, he always gets so down and pushes everyone away. He's had a few of those moments but so far he has been able to recognize it and try and work it out. Yesterday he told me that he had a really good feeling about this Christmas, and was actually looking forward to it. I pray it will be a good Christmas.
Maybe it's because I am no longer nursing Jamison. I am so thankful that I am able to nurse my children, that my body is able to provide enough nourishment for my baby is really an incredible gift. But, I was so tired. Nursing takes so much out of a mom and since weaning Jamison I have had more energy. My hormones seemed to have leveled out, I feel like myself again.
Maybe it's because I have been able to involve myself in the things that I truly love. Baking with friends, decorating the church, buying gifts for my children, hosting a table for the church's ladies Christmas tea, creating a cozy, festive atmosphere in my home, spending time and creating rich memories with my family and friends. The list goes on an on.
Maybe it's the amount of times during the course of a day that my children make me laugh. Even now as I type, Tayah is cracking me up. I am being decorated with bright shiny star stickers and each one is placed very deliberately with extreme care, all the while commentating each move she makes. Suddenly the decorating stops as she exclaims "Oh no Sweetheart! you're taking all my stickers. You can't have all of dem, you can have 1,2,4. Dat be okay?" And very quickly she strips me of the bright shiny stars, well all except 1,2 and 4.
Maybe it's the increased awareness of myself, the things I do and why I do them. I have been more comfortable in my own skin, more confident in my skills, talents and gifts and less preoccupied with the things I don't do well. It's okay that I fumble my words, that I turn beet red when I am put on the spot. It's okay that I am not the smartest, the most beautiful, the skinniest or most athletic. It's even okay that I am not the best at the things I am good at. It's not about being the best, it's about using the the skills that I have acquired, enjoying the talents I have been blessed with and embracing the gifts that I have been given. I don't care as much about what everyone else thinks of me. I am finding myself more concerned with fulfilling the plan that God has for my life. There is great contentment and peace in that.
Maybe it is the increased time I have spent talking to God. Prayer is powerful. It moves mountains. It changes lives. I know it has changed mine.
I used to sing all the time. My parents had to enforce a no singing rule at meal time in order to keep the peace among my siblings and I (apparently my singing wasn't as beautiful to their ears as it was to mine!). Music has always been a huge part of my life, it cheers me up, energizes me, calms me, inspires me, moves me. For some reason, music no longer seemed to have that effect on me anymore. I had lost my song. I don't remember when exactly it came back but the song in my heart has returned. Once again it has become necessary to sing constantly about absolutely everything(in the comfort of my own home or vehicle). It brings a smile to my face as I now listen to Tayah sing her song. Everything is sung. As I sit and observe her play, it's like watching and listening to a musical, beautifully written and composed. I hope that music always has a place in our home, that my children always have a song to sing and that we will all find beauty in hearing each others song - even if it's sung at the dinner table :)
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