Wallowing

I am not very consistent at blogging, this is quite obvious and I am very ok with this. It serves it's purpose when necessary and today it is necessary. I am exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I feel done. I hate being in this place. That place where life seems totally and completely overwhelming. Lately I have been staying up as late as I possibly can in an effort to avoid tomorrow. I know that may not make sense to most but in my mind, once my head hits the pillow I am preparing for another day and lately I just have not been wanting another day to come. I am in no way saying I want life to end but rather just to pause. I wish I could suspend a moment in time for as long as I needed to feel refreshed, re energized and renewed, maybe even changed. I also wish life had a fast forward button at times, part of me would love to skip ahead a day or two. I just get so tired of fighting, hanging on, hoping for better. I know that much would be lost at skipping through tough times and bad days, that this is when character is built and we grow stronger. I also know that this is just a moment in time and in a few days I will likely being feeling better and ready to embrace life and all that it throws at me but right now I feel the need to wallow. If you're annoyed, that's okay. I probably would be too if it were not my own blog. There is nothing worse than listening to a person drown in self pity, so you have my blessing to stop reading if you'd like, I will not be offended. Actually I will never know.
This is a particularly tough time of year for me. It's summer, going into fall and Jason always puts in crazy hours this time of year. I struggled with it when we were dating, disliked it when we were just married, hated it when we were new parents and I despise it now that we have 2 kids. I hate doing this alone, being the only parent physically present in my children's lives. I didn't think it would be so tough. I had always thought I'd have a house full of kids, I dreamed of having a large family. I am beginning to think that maybe the smartest decision for us would be to stop at two. That makes me so sad, I don't want to let go of that dream but I don't want to be selfish. I want to be a great mom to the 2 beautiful children I have and I don't know that I could do that by adding anymore babies. I don't feel like I am a great mom now, I feel spread out so thinly. I can't get a handle on anything, my house is a mess, the yard is overgrown, I fear taking the children out in public and yet hate staying at home, I'm avoiding my husband when he's home and my daughter attacks other children with her teeth(yes, we just had another incident). I feel like a failure. My confidence has left for the time being. I feel insignificant and stupid. I feel ashamed. I am feeling stuck again, like I don't have a lot of power over my future and that terrifies me. It makes me want to run. But I won't. Not now. I wonder if I ever will? Will I reach that point when I give up on what could be? I hope not, I also hope that 'what could be' will come soon.